The Horror... the Horror...

Well, I dared to dream...

The bitch is back.

Fag-ruh signs with Vikes.

R.I.P. Vikes. Been a good run. Guess I'll just stick with rooting for the Steelers. Oh, and anybody who takes a swing at Chilly.

I've even been forced to use a "new" Star Trek dork on my blog because it is so apt.

All bow to me...

For I am the Lord of the Blind and Stupid.

Bugs, that is.

What is up with bugs, especially, it seems, lately?

I understand that at 60 mph on the freeway they have little time to realize they're about to get their streams crossed. But, when I'm simply standing or participating in the 100 meter mosey, how is it that their survival instinct can decide its okay to not only get close to a possibly hungry specimen of beast, but to ram into me at full speed as if to actually taunt me into swallowing them whole? I've been tagged twice in 3 nights now. And it's not nature's late-night Irish, the drunkard moth, but some big beetle/wasp/fly things. Maybe they think they're invincible or something.

I don't get it. They've survived this long, right? Been around since at least the Early Devonian. I mean, sure, they've only had wings for 325 million years, but you'd think they'd use them to avoid obstacles, wouldn't you, not just get to them faster?

On the other hand, I really love bees. Something very soothing about them. They just cruise around and do their job, but they're large enough to see and so you get to watch them do it. Ants? They're ok. What they do is very cool, but you just don't see it very well, unless you're watching NGC. You see a couple chunks of worm or something float magically across a sidewalk once in a while, but it's mostly invisible. Give me the mellow hum of the bees. Bouncing off leaves, sticking their heads in flowers, tossing pixie dust around. Just generally fun to watch.

Plus, they make honey, nature's all-purpose dressing. Good for toast, strawberries, beer, tea, chicken, wine, chips, cornbread, cereal, salads, cantaloupe, ice cream, barley, cake, pie, straight up or on the rocks. Mmmm... rock honey.

I did have one really weird episode with a bee. I was sunworshipping one lazy summer day in high school and this bee landed on my foot. I looked at him and didn't figure a bee was going to do much, just sniff around and leave, seeing as how I'm generally very low on pollen. But then I felt him shoving his head in between my pinky and second toes. As this kind of felt good,* I left him alone, but then he bit me! Started chewing a hole to China through my webbing (or whatever the connection is called between your toes).

*I find insect-traveling-on-skin to be rather therapeutic. Something about single neurons, or at least very small bundles, being stimulated.

So, I kicked him off, but he came back and did it again, this time harder (or at least, it hurt more)! I think I decided it was time to go in. Or maybe I chased him away with a second kick-off. I don't remember now.

I was very disappointed to learn that cockroaches and preying mantises are extremely closely related. I can't stand cockroaches. They're like rats in that their asses never leave the floor. Just get dragged through all the sewage, slime, etc. I know rats asses aren't technically dragged along, but if you watch them, it looks like the fur/genitals area is being dragged. I also had roaches in my house in Little Rock. I can deal with a lot of bugs in the house, but something about roaches is just way over the top. And they're fast. So you have to hit them fast, but that usually translates into hard, and they explode their goo all over the counter. Not a good thing.

Apparently, all I needed to do was import some of these: http://www.solpugid.com/Introduction.htm, which apparently will slaughter roaches and other such wantonly and with extreme prejudice.

The first night I was in the house I spotted one on the ceiling (!*) that reminded me of nothing but Men In Black. You know what I mean, big dude wearing an Edgar suit. He was long and had horn things growing off his ass. And seemed to move like the Bug, you know, sort of articulated, not like a normal roach, which is very stiff. Very freaky to walk up under one of those things, waiting for him to decide your face is his new town home and he's "eager to move in right away."

*Roach airborne divisions dropping on your face in the middle of the night is definitely not a soothing thought.

But mantises are tidy, neat, stand upright, wash their hands, ask kindly for the salt to be passed. Closely related to the vilest of the 6-leggers? Very, very sad.

You ever see those super fast short-body-centipede-looking things in your basement? They go like Mach 5 and have the long legs that make them look like fuzzy little caterpillars? Turns out you shouldn't kill them. They're like spiders, but more mobile. They only eat other bugs, so I felt guilty for killing a couple of them at my mom's house way back when. If they're there, they're eating something, and that's a good thing.

My roommate gets freaked out by these:

They are cave or camelback crickets. Or they're close enough to what he sees in the garage to make the point. He thinks they've been released from the University here and were an experiment gone awry. Some sort of cricket-spider-Mike Powell hybrid. He says they can go practically across the garage in one leap. Last time I went up to my dad's "farm", we moved some beams and there was about fiddy of these that came flying out like we had discovered the Flying Cricket Wallendas secret clubhouse and they were on the lam and gonna break the roadblocks in every direction. Luckily none of them landed on me, cuz unless I know a bug is comin', I don't like getting landed on especially. Too many (as in 1) black widows tried that.

Speaking of cricket, I'm now a big fan:

http://arteknyc.wordpress.com/2009/05/08/panama-never-looked-so-gooood/

Actually, those are noticeably fake. Here's the real ones:

http://www.totalprosports.com/blog/index.php/2009/05/panama-cricket-booty-mystery-revealed-fake/

Still a fan. Gotta love boots. I said boots. Course, I have no idea how you "drive a slower ball to cover"* or "cause a batter to edge to slip"* or "apply yourself to the mopping up"* in those things. Other than v - e - r - y - s - l - o - w - l - y. So my guess is, they're actually the polo team.

*Close-to-actual cricket match coverage words. I only substituted pronouns for actual names to protect the innocent.

So, like I said, I sit high upon my Throne of 'Shroom whilst throngs of katydids and firebrats dance at my feet. A fascinating phylum. Maybe if I send some natural disasters their way, they'll stop trying to become One with Me.

The Best Day Of My Life... So Far

Brett Fag-ruh is not coming back.

Adios, shi*head!

Smiles, everyone, smiles.

Lincoln Lincoln Lincoln Vick

Pic: Vick's Jury by Gary Varvel

I.e. my three cents on Michael Vick getting back into the NFL:

1. I'm tired of hearing talking head cheesedoodle say something along the lines of "Playing in the NFL is not a right, it's a privilege" as some goofy non-argument, usually followed by "and he abused that privilege" or "and that means he isn't guaranteed getting back in." First of all, if you look up privilege, the first two words in the definition is "a right", so cheesedoodle is actually saying "it's not a right, it's a right":

: a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor ; especially :such a right or immunity attached specifically to a position or an office

Second of all, a privilege is generally something you get by virtue of your position. So it's not a privilege to play in the NFL any more than it's a privilege to bag groceries at the Red Owl or hammer a cow on the head at the slaughterhouse (well, maybe some people would count that, but only after getting hired). Playing in the NFL is a job, which accords you privileges just like any other job, e.g. pen-stealing, boss-mocking, bathroom-scenting (hi JP), etc. In addition, having a job in the NFL usually allows you to use the team's facilities for whatever you need to use them for.

But, it's a JOB.

2. There also seems to be a trend to mention that he's broke. How in Geezer's left kidney does that relate to whether he should be reinstated? It isn't specifically stated, so I don't know if this means "he's broke and should get a chance to earn millions to pay his creditors and return to his former lifestyle" or if it means "he's broke so he's paid an additional sacrifice in addition to his jail sentence".

Maybe there's another meaning that I haven't figured out, but neither one of these should influence diddly. He should be broke after being fined and not earning anything for a couple years and (as far as I know) having noone to liquidate his possessions and pile up the money for his return to society. I certainly don't have extra pity for anyone that loses all their money while in jail, and the first option would indicate that if I go to jail for stealing a sweet juicy monkey, then when I get out I should get to get a job that pays buttloads so I can pay my creditors. But that's not how it works. I get whatever job I can and I have to prove myself.

3. Remorse. I read from random journalist blah blah that Roger Goodell needs to look in his eyes and determine if he's truly remorseful. For what? Of course he's remorseful that he was caught and had his life detonated. But is he remorseful for dog fighting? He** no! Why should he be? I don't support any animal fighting, but he believed there was nothing wrong with it (other than being illegal), otherwise he wouldn't have been doing it (in a nice quiet area). There is almost no way that he doesn't still think it's okay to fight dogs and that the laws should just be repealed. He lied last year to Arthur Blank's and Goodell's faces and he'll do it again.

As far as I can tell, he's paid what debt he was forced to by our lawmakers and if someone wants to hire him they can. But he doesn't deserve to get back in the NFL and he shouldn't be given a break because he's suffered. Apply for the job and see what happens.

Right here, right now

((( Is this a trippy pic or what? )))

I don't particularly want to quote a Jesus Jones song name*, but what're ya gonna do if something works and nothing else comes to mind?

*No real problem with him/them except that his voice is very weak. Just doesn't come out over the music.

The point is, what's better than right now? Nothing, that's what.

Was it better when you were 5 and hit a ball without a tee for the first time? Of course.
Was it better when you were 12 and kissed a girl(/boy) for the first time? Heck yeah. (Ok, so I was 17 or something, who cares?)
Was it better when you were pounding beers at a kegger and threw up in the bushes and broke something important looking and never saw the host again except for that awkward moment when he rang you up at the Piggly Wiggly? Damn straight.

See a pattern?
It's always best right now. Now is when you know the most. Now is when you have the vast wisdom/shame of all that has gone before.
Have you ever thought of doing it all again? Sure, but what is always the caveat? That you get to take your knowledge with you.

Sure, that's easy! And from time to time I wish I could do it. Just to see.

But, really that would still make the new "now" the best time to be. I certainly expect there are people out there that would tell me to go chew a rock, and I feel for those whose life is horrible, but I also can't really identify with them. My life has never been more horrible than I've made it. I've got good health, an amazing family, brains, creativity, humor, opportunity, math skills, movie quoting skills...

For anyone that hasn't had things go completely kablooie, NOW is the best that your life has been. Even if some things are bad, overall it is the best time.

So celebrate it.

Take your shoes off in a public place and let people smell your stink.

Stand in a gutter barefoot in a really good rain and feel the current of the earth*.

*Technically, lava/"magma" would be the current of the earth, but it is frowned upon to stand barefoot in lava for obvious reasons (i.e. friends and family would be forced to say to strangers, "He seemed like such a smart/nice/sane/insert-complimentary-adjective-here boy)"

Pick your nose without seeing if anyone's watching.

Dance, dammit, dance.

Pick a day and eat a whole package of really good ice cream sandwiches (not the cardboardy cheap ones).

Put one hand on a tree and don't move it for an hour. See what the tree does and see if anyone talks to you. Then switch hands.

See if you can get as dirty, and care as little about it, as a 4 year old.

Eat snow.

Let a bee land on your hand, then stick your face in there (slowly now) and have a staring contest with it (you'll win since it'll ignore you) and then watch it closely and try to make sense of what it does.

Hug whenever you can.
Be amazed at literally everything (except smog of course) that happens in the atmosphere.
Smell a puppy every once in a while to get your head on straight.

And if you've given up on dragging your feet through autumn leaves just to hear the crunch and remember how sweet childhood was, then for the love of Ozzy's fungus riddled navel, just kill yourself cuz you've already given up.

Seriously, do something right now to reconnect to life. Who else is gonna do it for you? And who else can tell YOU how good it was.

Peace.

P.S. Always remember: Ear kisses and belly rubs make the world go 'round.

Ear kisses and belly rubs. Yeah.

oohHHhh... I see!!

You ever have somebody say, "Didn't you notice..." or "Don't you see..." and then have a sudden realization that you did but you didn't, or you did but you just hadn't put it in those terms, or something like that? Well, I went through that process vis-a-vis blogs.

I had never seriously considered doing a blog. I had thoughts of "I can do better than that" or "This guys an idiot, why did someone link to this" or "I'd like someone to see how stupid I think such and such is", but then I saw these blogs with fancy photoshopped pictures and voluminous entries and smart, witty phrasing and such and didn't think I wanted to make that kind of effort to the time it would take. And even though I consider myself smart and somewhat witty, I also know that it doesn't always translate correctly into the written word (I have been misinterpreted a couple-13-14 times**).

**Copyright Dan Cole

But, I received an email from a former coworker, jtperks, who, aside from having a great abbreviated name for a coffee shop, as in Just The Perks, or Java Tollhouse Perks (sells great cookies too!), is also a witty guy himself. He was sending me his blog address (abandoned logic) and I was able to see the primitive beginnings of a blog, i.e. just a couple entries of somewhat random thoughts. Not a grand scheme per se, not a look how many different ways one can apply '80s movie montages to cheese factories, not dozens of entries showing how prolific he was at spending time on posting instead of personal hygiene.

Just putting a few brain turns into words.

And, after seeing a button in the upper corner labeled "Create Blog", I thought, "Huh. I could do that and see where it leads." It's not like the president or pope is gonna read it or anything. (Well, I guess I shouldn't miss the first political poke: At least this president CAN read!) Heck, if I never tell anyone, then it's just for me.

So, I did. And now I have this thing to create and monkey with and some ideas for future postings and so far it's pretty fun and hopefully somebody will at least come back once to see what else is here. Probably just my sisters. (Not that that's bad, I'm not saying, I'm just sayin'...)

The Return of Crofft

I normally read SI.com every day and they have a section called Extra Mustard which contains a page called Hot Clicks. Usually, the headline pic is one of a hot woman, be it sportsbabe (the overrated Erin Andrews is among their faves), WAG, model (especially as in SI swimsuit, of course) or random in-the-news hottie. One of their favorites is Adriana Lima. She is put up as a hot model as well as a how-did-this-goofy-looking-dude-get-her!! entrant (She happens to be married to Marko Jaric the basketball player). Ever since I first saw her, I thought there was something wrong with her. Just a funny feeling that I didn't care for her face somehow. There is a certain exoticness certainly, but something was off.

Then one day months later it came to me in a fit of cathartic release... Chaka!!!!!

The bonus was that when I googled Chaka I found this wonderful pic.

Now, I don't mean to say she's dead-ugly or anything, and I've seen some pics where she looks quite good. But her normal Blue Steel pose is gap-mouthed and botoxed and it just doesn't work for me. I was tres glad to figure out her doppelganger, leaves my brain to think on other things when her pic comes up.


Speaking of Erin Andrews, this is a common photo that her fans use to show how hot she is. Can anyone else say "G'day, Mrs. Sasquatch??" (If that confuses you, look up the Bigfoot video, which was wonderfully parodied in Elf) Lucky for her she has ridiculously long arms in order to counterbalance her top-heaviness, elsewise she'd fall over onto whomever she was interviewing. Again, doesn't do it for me.

The beginning of something edible?

From Wikipedia:

Lorentzian wormholes known as Schwarzschild wormholes or Einstein-Rosen bridges are bridges between areas of space that can be modeled as vacuum solutions to the Einstein field equations by combining models of a black hole and a white hole. This solution was discovered by Albert Einstein and his colleague Nathan Rosen, who first published the result in 1935. However, in 1962 John A. Wheeler and Robert W. Fuller published a paper showing that this type of wormhole is unstable, and that it will pinch off instantly as soon as it forms, preventing even light from making it through.

I find this blog title appropriate (or at least relevant) due to three things:
1. Note "vacuum solutions" above. These are solutions of field equations in which the sources of the field are taken to be identically zero. Or in my case, possibly the sources of my thoughts are zero, since I often graze dreamily within my own mind.
2. Also note "unstable" and "pinch off instantly". Have you ever began a thought and then realized it wasn't you thinking it? I have.
3. It is referenced in Blue Oyster Cult's Heavy Metal: The Black and Silver (i'm not sure why these pages show up as one word per line), one of the greatest bands of all time (please ignore the last couple albums, their main collaborator changed).

So, already I have referenced Sabbath and BOC, so I'm feeling pretty good. Also got a bunch of math stuff in.

Of course, this one was pretty easy. I'll see if I can get any more lucid paragraphs on here before I share it. :)