The Cupcake Song

If I only had a cupcake
My day would be fine
I'd smile wide to everyone
And the sun would shine
Even if it were raining
I wouldn't pout or whine
Oh, look I have a cupcake
And my day is fine


I wrote this a couple weeks ago when someone brought in cupcakes for their kid's birthday. The only thing I don't like about it is the raining reference. I freaking love rain. But, I didn't want to say Even if I had a face boil.

(Plus, I like the connection between the sun line and the raining line. You can read the two together as indicating that the sun would be shining whether or not it was actually shining, you dig?)

Chips Ahoy!!!!

Wow, I made it back. Along the way, I had a number of moments of interest in putting something up here, but just never had the impetus to log on.

I have Chips Ahoy on my desk, hence the title. I blame Letterman. The other night he had Rachael Ray on and during his post-monologue/pre-guest bit (what do they call that, anyway?), he started talking about the obesity problem in the U.S. and why we're wasting tv time with Cupcake Wars and other such nonsense when we have this problem. One main point was that we had way too many cookie options here. He said specifically that we shouldn't go communist, but in those types of countries they only have one cookie to choose from and they don't have obesity problems.

It's a strange point. Firstly, because if we only had one type of cookie here, in order for it to affect obesity, it would need to be peanut butter coconut raisin or some other revolting variety. If we only had chocolate chip or sugar or something, I don't think cookie consumption would drop much. Secondly, it's not the variety, but the price of cookies that is going to make a difference. You jack up a package of Chips Ahoy to $10 or $15 and you're damn right people will stop eating them.

This is all tongue-in-cheek, obviously, since we are talking about Letterman. Besides, we all know that the obesity problem is caused by the strangely fascinating pulsing of Sammy Hagar's career. It throws off the mind/body signal syncopation and so we no longer know when we're full, our significant others are saying something important we'll be grilled on later, or that there is no pause in the screwing of all of us by the government-pharmaceutical-industrial-military complex and we may as well start a new spring college football league so we can have bowl games all year round and give up pretending to be appalled at our collective apathy.

My point is that after the commercial break, Dave busted open a package that had what looked like a chewy chocolate chip cookie in it and he proceeded to slowly eat it in a way that told you how just good it was. So, I had to stop on the way home and get mine.

Please note that this next section may get long since I haven't fully gotten in my own head.

Back to bowl games, I just read Joe Posnanski's latest blog* about the BCS being a giant crock of *&^%. I had some long-standing thoughts about this subject, and used my reaction as impetus to get back on here and write something down.

*If you read his columns, you may notice that I stole his asterisking policy.

A couple of years ago Auburn went undefeated but didn't get in to the "National Championship Game" and it was like the world ended. "Oh, my god!" They cried. "How can this be?!" And a big playoff push began in order to right this wrong. This was the 2004 season. Also during this season the following happened:

1. Tsunamis killed 230,000 people in 14 countries;
2. The Darfur crisis was officially labelled genocide as the death toll reached 70,000;
3. The Senate Intelligence Committee released a report that the Bush administration had basically lied its ass off to justify attacking Iraq;
4. The federal budget deficit reached a record $413 billion;
5. My semi-adopted state of Missouri became the first state to vote to ban same-sex marriage;
6. Officers were found to be at fault for Abu Ghraib;
7. America chose between an asshole and a doofus for president (I'll let you pick which was which).

So, of course, the big news is how Auburn got screwed. There is apparently some now who think they should get the title for that year since USC had to vacate it. But the AP doesn't care and USC is still their champion.

The main point of the book discussed in the post is that we need a playoff and Joe (I'm going to refer to him as Joe) thinks the book's format is the best he's seen: 16 teams, 11 conference champs, 5 at-large chosen by committee. To which I say: puke.

Now I agree (without even needing to see data) that the BCS is a power- and money-mongering control structure that somehow has not been taken down by antitrust litigation.* But I simply cannot agree with a giant playoff system.

*I'm not sure it can be, but I'm surprised it hasn't been.

My thoughts, since that Auburn rebuffal*, was that I can only accept a playoff if it only consists of conference champions. So I agree with the authors in that respect. I also generally believe that only undefeated teams should make the playoffs. I'm way more Darwinian than most. But, that can be very problematic. Not only in the real sense of no one knowing how many teams are in and scheduling and all that jazz, but what if no team is undefeated? Or there is an odd number? Or the only one is the champion of the weakest conference? I don't have a problem crowning them on the spot, but I wouldn't feel great about it. The other problem with conference champs only is, of course, Notre Dame and now BYU and possibly other future independents.

*Yes, I made that word up.

The question is what are we trying to determine with a playoff? Which conference is the best? Which team is the best? Based on record? Head-to-head matchups? Last man standing after a few have been chosen to fight it out at the end? The last one seems to be what everyone wants. After all, that's how every other champion is found. But, that doesn't solve the basic problem in that this is all subjective. Where do you cut it off? 4? 8? 16?

I've always been against the plus-one format because I don't believe that solves the issue. The difference between 4 and 5 in the rankings could be way less in a given year than the difference between a 2 and a 3.

I also don't want a two or three loss team making a playoff over a one loss team because of subjective conference perceptions or, just like the issue is now, because one team started the season ahead of another.

If they could develop an RPI for football and use that, I'd probably accept it, but I'm not sure how that's different than the computer system portion of the BCS rankings they have now. So, I guess use that if it's equivalent.

What I really don't want is the "wildcard" champion, meaning a two or three loss team that gets an easy road somehow and wins it all. Does anyone really believe that the NY football Giants were the best team in the NFL a couple years ago? Hell no. I would not have wanted the Patriots given the title based on regular season record, but I don't like a team with six (6!) more regular season losses getting the trophy based on a couple lousy quarters by the better team. I'm okay with baseball having a couple wildcards, but football has too many based on way too few games.

There is also an analogy to March Madness that people trot out. I find this far-fetched at best. Interest may go up with an eight or 16 team playoff, but it would never match March Madness. What makes MM so special is that there is this mega-barrage of games for four days, then a few days to dissect what happened, then another big barrage of games. The last weekend is just some ice cream on the way home to see who can survive. But the real excitement is in those first two weekends, where you see people you've never had a chance to see, hear of colleges you didn't know existed, renew your love/hate relationship with Dickie V, be pleasantly surprised that Bryant Gumbel still works for a network, and fill yourself up with the ridiculousness of all the different fans from around the nation.

That's not going to happen with football. Unless you play mid-week, it will take four weeks to get a champion and there will be way fewer games total.

But, again: what do we want out of this? Personally, I want the "best" team. I'm admittedly a bit vague on what that is, but in this context, there is maybe one game between big conferences scheduled by any given school in a big conference. For example, this year Minnesota played USC.* The rest are generally cupcakes, although Boise State gets a couple a year against the "big boys". So, I want to see the conference champions duke it out to "even out" the the subjectivity of rankings and such. There are two problems with this. One, the independents as mentioned earlier. And two, I'm not sure all 11 conference champions should be in it. One issue I have with 16 teams is that there is probably too much of a gap between 1 and 16 to make an interesting game.

*No, I don't think Minny will be in any playoff system of fewer than 128 teams anytime soon.

So, what I think I would want is the top eight ranked conference champions. You'd be done in three weeks and it (hopefully) doesn't dilute the field with (very many) multiple loss teams. Of course, independence remains an issue. It may create a climate where more teams go independent and are more selective in who they play, e.g. more cupcakes, which would be bad. But, I don't want to force them into a conference either. So, I'm not sure how to handle that yet.

So, that's the built-up buzzing in my head spewed out in binary. I may change this post later, but it's close to what I mean.

Meanwhile:

A note of joy: Fag-ruh is 1-3, 5 TDs, 7 Picks, sets NFL career record for fumbles to go with his interception record. Suck it Brett.

Another note of joy: In case you haven't heard

The Horror... the Horror...

Well, I dared to dream...

The bitch is back.

Fag-ruh signs with Vikes.

R.I.P. Vikes. Been a good run. Guess I'll just stick with rooting for the Steelers. Oh, and anybody who takes a swing at Chilly.

I've even been forced to use a "new" Star Trek dork on my blog because it is so apt.

All bow to me...

For I am the Lord of the Blind and Stupid.

Bugs, that is.

What is up with bugs, especially, it seems, lately?

I understand that at 60 mph on the freeway they have little time to realize they're about to get their streams crossed. But, when I'm simply standing or participating in the 100 meter mosey, how is it that their survival instinct can decide its okay to not only get close to a possibly hungry specimen of beast, but to ram into me at full speed as if to actually taunt me into swallowing them whole? I've been tagged twice in 3 nights now. And it's not nature's late-night Irish, the drunkard moth, but some big beetle/wasp/fly things. Maybe they think they're invincible or something.

I don't get it. They've survived this long, right? Been around since at least the Early Devonian. I mean, sure, they've only had wings for 325 million years, but you'd think they'd use them to avoid obstacles, wouldn't you, not just get to them faster?

On the other hand, I really love bees. Something very soothing about them. They just cruise around and do their job, but they're large enough to see and so you get to watch them do it. Ants? They're ok. What they do is very cool, but you just don't see it very well, unless you're watching NGC. You see a couple chunks of worm or something float magically across a sidewalk once in a while, but it's mostly invisible. Give me the mellow hum of the bees. Bouncing off leaves, sticking their heads in flowers, tossing pixie dust around. Just generally fun to watch.

Plus, they make honey, nature's all-purpose dressing. Good for toast, strawberries, beer, tea, chicken, wine, chips, cornbread, cereal, salads, cantaloupe, ice cream, barley, cake, pie, straight up or on the rocks. Mmmm... rock honey.

I did have one really weird episode with a bee. I was sunworshipping one lazy summer day in high school and this bee landed on my foot. I looked at him and didn't figure a bee was going to do much, just sniff around and leave, seeing as how I'm generally very low on pollen. But then I felt him shoving his head in between my pinky and second toes. As this kind of felt good,* I left him alone, but then he bit me! Started chewing a hole to China through my webbing (or whatever the connection is called between your toes).

*I find insect-traveling-on-skin to be rather therapeutic. Something about single neurons, or at least very small bundles, being stimulated.

So, I kicked him off, but he came back and did it again, this time harder (or at least, it hurt more)! I think I decided it was time to go in. Or maybe I chased him away with a second kick-off. I don't remember now.

I was very disappointed to learn that cockroaches and preying mantises are extremely closely related. I can't stand cockroaches. They're like rats in that their asses never leave the floor. Just get dragged through all the sewage, slime, etc. I know rats asses aren't technically dragged along, but if you watch them, it looks like the fur/genitals area is being dragged. I also had roaches in my house in Little Rock. I can deal with a lot of bugs in the house, but something about roaches is just way over the top. And they're fast. So you have to hit them fast, but that usually translates into hard, and they explode their goo all over the counter. Not a good thing.

Apparently, all I needed to do was import some of these: http://www.solpugid.com/Introduction.htm, which apparently will slaughter roaches and other such wantonly and with extreme prejudice.

The first night I was in the house I spotted one on the ceiling (!*) that reminded me of nothing but Men In Black. You know what I mean, big dude wearing an Edgar suit. He was long and had horn things growing off his ass. And seemed to move like the Bug, you know, sort of articulated, not like a normal roach, which is very stiff. Very freaky to walk up under one of those things, waiting for him to decide your face is his new town home and he's "eager to move in right away."

*Roach airborne divisions dropping on your face in the middle of the night is definitely not a soothing thought.

But mantises are tidy, neat, stand upright, wash their hands, ask kindly for the salt to be passed. Closely related to the vilest of the 6-leggers? Very, very sad.

You ever see those super fast short-body-centipede-looking things in your basement? They go like Mach 5 and have the long legs that make them look like fuzzy little caterpillars? Turns out you shouldn't kill them. They're like spiders, but more mobile. They only eat other bugs, so I felt guilty for killing a couple of them at my mom's house way back when. If they're there, they're eating something, and that's a good thing.

My roommate gets freaked out by these:

They are cave or camelback crickets. Or they're close enough to what he sees in the garage to make the point. He thinks they've been released from the University here and were an experiment gone awry. Some sort of cricket-spider-Mike Powell hybrid. He says they can go practically across the garage in one leap. Last time I went up to my dad's "farm", we moved some beams and there was about fiddy of these that came flying out like we had discovered the Flying Cricket Wallendas secret clubhouse and they were on the lam and gonna break the roadblocks in every direction. Luckily none of them landed on me, cuz unless I know a bug is comin', I don't like getting landed on especially. Too many (as in 1) black widows tried that.

Speaking of cricket, I'm now a big fan:

http://arteknyc.wordpress.com/2009/05/08/panama-never-looked-so-gooood/

Actually, those are noticeably fake. Here's the real ones:

http://www.totalprosports.com/blog/index.php/2009/05/panama-cricket-booty-mystery-revealed-fake/

Still a fan. Gotta love boots. I said boots. Course, I have no idea how you "drive a slower ball to cover"* or "cause a batter to edge to slip"* or "apply yourself to the mopping up"* in those things. Other than v - e - r - y - s - l - o - w - l - y. So my guess is, they're actually the polo team.

*Close-to-actual cricket match coverage words. I only substituted pronouns for actual names to protect the innocent.

So, like I said, I sit high upon my Throne of 'Shroom whilst throngs of katydids and firebrats dance at my feet. A fascinating phylum. Maybe if I send some natural disasters their way, they'll stop trying to become One with Me.

The Best Day Of My Life... So Far

Brett Fag-ruh is not coming back.

Adios, shi*head!

Smiles, everyone, smiles.

Lincoln Lincoln Lincoln Vick

Pic: Vick's Jury by Gary Varvel

I.e. my three cents on Michael Vick getting back into the NFL:

1. I'm tired of hearing talking head cheesedoodle say something along the lines of "Playing in the NFL is not a right, it's a privilege" as some goofy non-argument, usually followed by "and he abused that privilege" or "and that means he isn't guaranteed getting back in." First of all, if you look up privilege, the first two words in the definition is "a right", so cheesedoodle is actually saying "it's not a right, it's a right":

: a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor ; especially :such a right or immunity attached specifically to a position or an office

Second of all, a privilege is generally something you get by virtue of your position. So it's not a privilege to play in the NFL any more than it's a privilege to bag groceries at the Red Owl or hammer a cow on the head at the slaughterhouse (well, maybe some people would count that, but only after getting hired). Playing in the NFL is a job, which accords you privileges just like any other job, e.g. pen-stealing, boss-mocking, bathroom-scenting (hi JP), etc. In addition, having a job in the NFL usually allows you to use the team's facilities for whatever you need to use them for.

But, it's a JOB.

2. There also seems to be a trend to mention that he's broke. How in Geezer's left kidney does that relate to whether he should be reinstated? It isn't specifically stated, so I don't know if this means "he's broke and should get a chance to earn millions to pay his creditors and return to his former lifestyle" or if it means "he's broke so he's paid an additional sacrifice in addition to his jail sentence".

Maybe there's another meaning that I haven't figured out, but neither one of these should influence diddly. He should be broke after being fined and not earning anything for a couple years and (as far as I know) having noone to liquidate his possessions and pile up the money for his return to society. I certainly don't have extra pity for anyone that loses all their money while in jail, and the first option would indicate that if I go to jail for stealing a sweet juicy monkey, then when I get out I should get to get a job that pays buttloads so I can pay my creditors. But that's not how it works. I get whatever job I can and I have to prove myself.

3. Remorse. I read from random journalist blah blah that Roger Goodell needs to look in his eyes and determine if he's truly remorseful. For what? Of course he's remorseful that he was caught and had his life detonated. But is he remorseful for dog fighting? He** no! Why should he be? I don't support any animal fighting, but he believed there was nothing wrong with it (other than being illegal), otherwise he wouldn't have been doing it (in a nice quiet area). There is almost no way that he doesn't still think it's okay to fight dogs and that the laws should just be repealed. He lied last year to Arthur Blank's and Goodell's faces and he'll do it again.

As far as I can tell, he's paid what debt he was forced to by our lawmakers and if someone wants to hire him they can. But he doesn't deserve to get back in the NFL and he shouldn't be given a break because he's suffered. Apply for the job and see what happens.

Right here, right now

((( Is this a trippy pic or what? )))

I don't particularly want to quote a Jesus Jones song name*, but what're ya gonna do if something works and nothing else comes to mind?

*No real problem with him/them except that his voice is very weak. Just doesn't come out over the music.

The point is, what's better than right now? Nothing, that's what.

Was it better when you were 5 and hit a ball without a tee for the first time? Of course.
Was it better when you were 12 and kissed a girl(/boy) for the first time? Heck yeah. (Ok, so I was 17 or something, who cares?)
Was it better when you were pounding beers at a kegger and threw up in the bushes and broke something important looking and never saw the host again except for that awkward moment when he rang you up at the Piggly Wiggly? Damn straight.

See a pattern?
It's always best right now. Now is when you know the most. Now is when you have the vast wisdom/shame of all that has gone before.
Have you ever thought of doing it all again? Sure, but what is always the caveat? That you get to take your knowledge with you.

Sure, that's easy! And from time to time I wish I could do it. Just to see.

But, really that would still make the new "now" the best time to be. I certainly expect there are people out there that would tell me to go chew a rock, and I feel for those whose life is horrible, but I also can't really identify with them. My life has never been more horrible than I've made it. I've got good health, an amazing family, brains, creativity, humor, opportunity, math skills, movie quoting skills...

For anyone that hasn't had things go completely kablooie, NOW is the best that your life has been. Even if some things are bad, overall it is the best time.

So celebrate it.

Take your shoes off in a public place and let people smell your stink.

Stand in a gutter barefoot in a really good rain and feel the current of the earth*.

*Technically, lava/"magma" would be the current of the earth, but it is frowned upon to stand barefoot in lava for obvious reasons (i.e. friends and family would be forced to say to strangers, "He seemed like such a smart/nice/sane/insert-complimentary-adjective-here boy)"

Pick your nose without seeing if anyone's watching.

Dance, dammit, dance.

Pick a day and eat a whole package of really good ice cream sandwiches (not the cardboardy cheap ones).

Put one hand on a tree and don't move it for an hour. See what the tree does and see if anyone talks to you. Then switch hands.

See if you can get as dirty, and care as little about it, as a 4 year old.

Eat snow.

Let a bee land on your hand, then stick your face in there (slowly now) and have a staring contest with it (you'll win since it'll ignore you) and then watch it closely and try to make sense of what it does.

Hug whenever you can.
Be amazed at literally everything (except smog of course) that happens in the atmosphere.
Smell a puppy every once in a while to get your head on straight.

And if you've given up on dragging your feet through autumn leaves just to hear the crunch and remember how sweet childhood was, then for the love of Ozzy's fungus riddled navel, just kill yourself cuz you've already given up.

Seriously, do something right now to reconnect to life. Who else is gonna do it for you? And who else can tell YOU how good it was.

Peace.

P.S. Always remember: Ear kisses and belly rubs make the world go 'round.

Ear kisses and belly rubs. Yeah.